I suppose we all have a tale of warning. A holiday feast gone wrong, a family misstep, the last time you were allowed into that one restaurant you’ll never speak of again. Allow me to regale you with the ultimate warning of that seasonal villain known as … glitter.
It was a cold night when I found a fantastic template for Star Wars paper snowflakes. I downloaded them and printed a dozen patterns and dulled twice as many hobby knives cutting them out. One of them was Darth Vader. The snowflake looked great with six Vader heads in a spiffy symmetrical circle.
You know what I thought would make it better?
Black glitter.
Shiny Vader heads hanging from the banister when our guests arrived for the holidays. I stood in Michaels—a craft store for those of you that don’t have one—about fifteen minutes later. Less than an hour and I returned home with a jar of glitter and aerosol glue. Spray on glue, who knew?
I’m guessing the devil knew.
I painstakingly arranged the Vader snowflake on a piece of cardboard and took it into the front yard. I didn’t want to make a mess, after all. Thoroughly doused in glue, I carried the snowflake back to our dining room table.
The glitter went on easily enough, until I lifted my hand and realized I’d glued about five pounds of glitter to my own flesh. Thank you, aerosol glue. I shook my hand, smacked the open jar of glitter, and spilled it all over the snowflake. I snatched the jar up as though that may stem the tsunami of glitter, but glitter encrusted hands are slippery.
I dropped the jar, and it exploded. It didn’t spill; it EXPLODED INTO A GLITTERY CLOUD. I may have said a few words—a lot of words—I won’t repeat here. I tried to carry the drowned snowflake outside to brush it off, only to drop the board and send a wave of glitter across the kitchen floor.
You know what aerosol glue does? It sticks to everything. EVERYTHING. I spent a damned hour scraping that crap off the floor and the chairs and the stools. The next morning our porch looked like a black disco ball. Oh, aerosol glue holds glitter on the door too. Even the doorknob had a nice layer of shiny black crap on it.
Be safe out there.
Say no to glitter. Unless it’s for Carrie.
May the 4th be with you.
Originally posted on FangFreakinTasticReviews
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